It has been a month now since everything started to happen. Here is my update.

After writing that journal, I actually felt a lot better. I felt better because I let it out. I let it out that I was miserable, I was unhappy, and I didn't know what to do. It felt like everything that could break my heart, broke my heart. I'm mending now. I can see the sun rising in the east, and I welcome the new day. Each new day brings me one step closer to being fully mended. That's all I can do, take it day by day.

So Friday, November 13th, I turned 23 years old. To be totally honest, I dread birthdays. I don't dread getting older, I just dread the day. With the exception of high school, every birthday I've ever had has been a disappointment. I hated birthday parties because no one ever showed up (true story), nothing special ever happened on my birthday. Except high school. When I turned 15, meh, it was a day. When I turned 16, my dad came to my class and gave me a bouquet of roses. When I turned 17, my sister called me from Africa and had "Happy Birthday" sung to me in 7 different languages, and when I turned 18, my best friends came to my house first thing in the morning (before school started) dumped balloons on me to wake me up, and then fed me booby cupcakes for breakfast (cupcakes with skin coloured icing, and chocolate chip nipples). Of course, when I turned 19, I was done school, but I did receive a soft plush tiger from Nick, which always has a special place with me. But after all that...crappy. Friday, I got a call from the family I used to teach for before I went to college. They called to wish me a happy birthday. That was unexpected, and it made me smile. That's the sort of thing that makes me enjoy my birthday. Just, the random phone call or something. The little things.

Sunday, it was exactly one month since my dog, Worf, passed away. It's still tough. We had pizza Thursday, and dad had finished his slice and was about to throw the crust to the floor where Worf always sat. Before he flicked his wrist, he stopped, and put it on the table. He looked at mom, then me and said "I forgot we don't have Worf anymore." So it's tough. But we're getting used to it. I honestly think we'll get another dog, maybe not soon, but we will. Dad loves dogs, and there's something missing in the house without one.

Work has gotten better. It still feels like the other two leave me out of a lot, but I've started to look passed that and just do what I need to do. One will be gone in February for maternity leave, and the other got a job interview for the school board, and if she gets the job, she'll be gone probably by Christmas, or just after, so that means I could get new co-workers, who maybe take their job a little more seriously that these two. It might be a part time job, and it might be a hassle, but it's still important. So, I'm just going to make the best of it.

My cousin has invited me out to BC...to live. It might be a fun idea...if I don't go back to China in August. She sent me an email telling me that her and a friend of hers were looking at getting an apartment and were wondering if they should get a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment. I said as long as I can find a good paying job and I can have one as soon as I'm out there, then yeah, I would like to move out west. New start to life, new surroundings, a sense of adventure. Why not? Yeah, there's China, but I don't know if I'll go back. Being home, sometimes I wish I was gone. But if I were completely out of here...just out of St. Thomas, out of Ontario, away from everyone...I would be okay with that. I'd miss my family of course, but at least I would only be in BC. My only trouble about moving out there, is I don't have the money for it. I won't have the money for a few months. So, if my cousin and her friend get the 3 bedroom, I'll save for a move to BC. Maybe I'll look up some schools, look into a psych program or something. Who knows, right?

Only time will tell, and right now, I'm living it day by day.

Thanks for any encouragement and support. It's always welcomed.